I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
