I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
