1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
