Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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