I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
