Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
