I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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