I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
