I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
