omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
