Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Everything about him screamed your future.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
