he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
