So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
