I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So vagazzling was a success
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
