just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
