My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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