I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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