The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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