Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
