You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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