I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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