you traded sex for a burrito?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
