You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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