i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
