and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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