Swine flu. Run for my life!
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
