New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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