you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
