We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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