i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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