I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
