Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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