Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
