and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
