see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
