Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
