i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize