I wish you could order shots online.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
