I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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