the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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