New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
