I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
me + whiskey = a bad person
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
