someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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