He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
