i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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