I just pynch a tree in the face
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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