If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
do herpes really smell.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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