dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
not ubering you a puppy
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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