i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
