My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
