I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
