so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
