dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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