There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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