Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
