I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i now understand why vodka
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
