It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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