bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
