Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
