in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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