So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
