I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
